Mental Illness & Psychotherapy
I have suffered from severe bouts of depression, severe anxiety, crippling OCD, PTSD, and other health-related problems.
As an adolescent, I took out my illness in various forms including cutting, self-starvation, and self-hatred...luckily, I also had enough sense to utilize artistic forms to express myself. This included writing, journaling, singing, dancing, acting, painting, experimenting with make-up, and my personal style.
Once I reached college, I began counseling with mentors and adjunct counselors. I visited with doctors and physicians and was on a series of anti-depressants. Finally, in January, 2009, I suffered a depressive breakdown and entered myself into Belmont Hospital, where, finally, I was diagnosed with Major Depression, and where I stayed for 12 days.
Because I had always been naturally geared towards self-growth, and desired not to repeat the patterns of my parents, I vigorously pursued counseling and therapy. I knew I could not just “get over” the pain of my past on my own.
Since my hospital stay, I have had my ups and downs; growth spurts and relapses. It was not until I was away from the original main source of my pain (my father), that I could even begin on the massive undertaking of beginning to really heal.
However, I was soon at the epicenter of another, very serious attack from, what I later realized to be Evil.
I can say with confidence now that I understand what Evil is, especially insomuch as it relates to psychology (or Lack of Spiritual Growth), and how it has run rampant over my soul.
Despite that, I now stand as God’s child and am more than ever invested in fighting for Good.
I am in psychotherapy with a highly competent, professional therapist (this may take a while to find...I went through several psychiatrists and therapists in my search.)
I urge you to embark on your own quest for spiritual or psychological truth.
Step 1: Figure out what mental illness you suffer from.
No, I didn't say "See if you have a mental illness". I said "Figure out which one you have."
Why?
Because we are all mentally ill. And illness is running rampant in this society. And going to therapy, talking about our issues, has been shoved under the table in large part due to an overly-technological age, and desensitization of the humanness of ourselves.
Some people have mental illness in a greater proportion than others.
The question is: will we be strong, and courageous, and conquer it?
<Quick tangent: The other day, someone who I thought was an ally said to me "You are crazy." I was like...and...? As if I didn't know!
I am GREATLY aware of my "craziness" (most of it I discovered through my most recent relationship...), and I am hell bent on fixing it. Will I ever be completely "sane"? No. And I hope I'm not. I need some of those crazies so I can continue to think outside the box and CREATE!>
Many people in society view those in therapy or counseling as "weak"or downtrodden or, (again) CRAZY.
THIS COULD NOT BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.
Those who admit that they need help are above and beyond courageous. It takes massive balls to stand up and admit that you are weak, and vulnerable, and need help. Vulnerability, however, is one of the greatest choices in life...because it allows us to reap the rewards of a great risk.
I had to admit that I could not do everything on my own, and allow other people to help me. Was it scary? TERRIFYING. Did I get rejected, put down, and criticized along the way? ABSOLUTELY. But I knew that what I was doing was right. [going to counseling in college, seeking mentorship from professors, talking to my roommate who became a close friend...continuing therapy until I found the *right* psychotherapist, and, yes, entering a mental hospital for 12 days in January 2009, and then again in 2010 per relapse].
I took some giant risks. The risk of being socially labeled "crazy", the risk of looking completely unstable and crazy to my already-judgmental family, the financial risk of paying for psychotherapy and doctor visits when I could barely afford it...the risk of trying different supplements and medications and reading as much as I could about the subjects that could aid my growth...on subjects from brain chemistry, to nutrition, to psychological disorders & patterns...[recommended must-read book list below].
Did I understand everything I read? No. Was I frustrated along the way? YES. Did I relapse? Yes. Do I still relapse? Yes.
However, my relapses are becoming less frequent, less severe, and are lasting less time. I had to keep reminding myself also...
NO ONE BOOK, SUPPLEMENT, MEDICATION, EXERCISE OR TECHNIQUE IS GOING TO HEAL YOU FROM TOP TO TOE.
That is because your illness is not caused by any one single source.
Even though you may say, well, depression is caused by lack of serotonin...yes, that is one truth among many truths. Medication alone will not "cure" you, but a combination of many, many different things, can lead to your eventual triumph.
***
No matter what we are suffering from, once we chose to conquer it, we must always remember that it will not be an easy path. Change and growth is difficult, painful, and effortful. This is why so many people avoid it.
I decided to enter psychotherapy, because I made the decision that I wanted to conquer my fears as a young adult, and because I did not want to repeat the mistakes of the past (my own mistakes, and, most importantly, the mistakes of my parents). I did not and do not want to become abusive towards others, or disguise my pain with alcohol or drugs or irrational, emotional decisions and behavior.
It always sounded "unromantic" to me to "take control of my emotions"--I blockaded myself for years, saying "I'm not a robot!". This is true...I am human, I do have emotions, and I am allowed to express them. But the difference now is, I am not allowing my emotions to take over my rational thought, and therefore dictate my behavior and choices. Also, I am not allowing my emotions to harm other people that I love.
Therefore, I am conquering my mental illness.
I will become the master of my emotions. It is a slow and gradual process. But I will triumph.
I hope you will join me.
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