pool time

i'm hungry.
but i don't feel like cooking.

i'm tired.
but i can't sleep.

and i'm sick again,
but at least
i can weep.

i went to the pool, and i sat in the hot tub
and cried
while old men
shuffled in
and shuffled out
i was not trying to make it glaringly obvious;
but part of me did not care.
part of me was screaming, "What are you looking at, you old fuck?!!?!"
while i swam laps in the pool
and talked to myself.

What people see in these photos,
is the way I want to be.
Healthy and keen and sharp and strong. In control.

But I am nothing.
I am a nobody.
It's just a mirage of beauty that will never be recognized by the one who matters most.
And when I amount to nothing, I know that he won't only not be proud,
but he just won't give a fuck.